Things I Wish I Said

I’m riding in to work on my bike and I get to a stoplight and coast slowly, looking for cars on the green. There’s a cop rolling into the intersection and he stops right in front of me, and starts barking out his window. “You gotta stop at the light! It’s not just for cars! You’ll get yourself killed!”

I say to him “I saw you,” because I did, and then “OK, officer, thank you, Sir” in the smartest-ass of a voice possible. As he pulls away I mutter under my breath “Asshole.”

Further downtown I get to a stoplight and wait as the cars roll through. The light turns and I get ready to go, only to have a woman drive through the red in her car with a dog on her lap and a phone up to her ear. I flip her off and call her a very bad word.

I wish I had said, in the heat of the moment to the officer “If only, Sir, you demonstrated the same vigilance towards cars running reds as you are here with me.” I wish I had said “If only, Sir, you stopped relying on cameras on street corners and instead paid attention to the cars that fly through the red at every light.”

“If only, dear officer, you would lay off female bartenders and gay men, or stop giving unprovoked beatings to men in bars, or covering up for the death of a child.”

“If only, for once, you pulled over a woman with a dog on her lap and a cell phone up to her ear going through a red light.”

But I didn’t say any of those things.

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